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IMPS AND ANGELS 



A CO:SiEI)Y— \'AU1)E\'ILLE. 



BY PAGP^ McCARTY. 



[roi'Y-i;i(;iiT, 1881.] 



Bob Porter, 

Madue, 

Teencie, 

Mrs. Porter, 
Rev. Josiaii Paul, 
Carrie Porter, 
John Kacket, 
Puck Simmons, 
Herr Klingle, 



CHARACTERS. 

A St'lioolboy ) 

His Sweethart ^ The Imps. 

llis Little Sister ) 

His Aunt, a Real Angel. 

A Professional Angel. 

- The Aecepted Angel. 

The Guardian. 

An Innocent Villager. 

A Lion Tamer. 



Act I. — Scene. — The yard of a farm house, village and landscape 
in the distance. Buck Simmons discovered. 

Puci';.-— How can a fellow do any work witli his mind, no I mean 
llis head, always running on the circus ? All the old lady's Howers 
look like tiger lillies and dandelions. I'll have to quit this life 
and join the ciiiMis. If I could just get that reward offered for the 
lion that's got loose. I wonder what wages they pay the chap with 
tlie striped legs and spots onto his back ? I'd like to he him. 

enter MRS. porter ON PORCH. 

Mrs. p. — Simmons, get the cariole, I want to take this present to 
the parson, a dressing-gown made by the sewing society of the 
congregation. But, have'nt you worked those flowers yet ? 

Buck. — If you pilease mam, I have'nt been exactly well since I 
got hurt. 

Mrs. p. — Hurt, when, where, how? 



2 T^^'^V\*''''^ 

Buck. — I liad'nt ought to tell you ma'am, but you must know 
that the gentleman with the striped legs and spotted tail, no I 
mean streaked back, invited me to ride the kicking mule and the 
durned thing went and Hung me, and it give me a wring in here. 

Mrs. p. — Well, I hear a ring in there. See who's at the door and 
say we are not at liome. But whore's Bol)? 

Buck.— Kept in ma'am I judge. 

Mrs. p. — And Madge. 

Buck. — She's practicing circus on old Prince down at the stable. 
(Exit.) 

Mrs. p. — Goodness gracious, the circus will drive me mad. What 
an agravation that the Fourth July should come just after the cir- 
cus has gone. Between the aninuils on one side and the pop crack- 
ers on the other, the children will make this house a lunatic asylum. 
(Ke-enter Buck.) Who is it? 

Buck. — Xobody but the preacher ma'am. 

Mrs. p.— Brother Josiah Paul, goodness me, run and call him 
back you stupi(h 

Buck.— If you please ma'am, we had'nt ought to. I "went and 
told him you was'nt at home and if he comes back he'll catch us in 
a what's its name; and a lie don't make any difference to folks in 
general, but to a preacher it's sort of hard. 

Mrs. p. — Call him back I tell you, and tell the cook to kill two 
chickens for dinner, and not a word al)out that vile circus; we 
must l)reak it to him gradually. (Exit Buck.) Dear man; miins- 
ters like chickens at this time of the year better than anything 
else, except a subscription; and when they pay a pastoral call spiri- 
tual cansolation and other pious topics with fresh vegetables, fried 
chicken and, perhaps, a remark about the price of the new organ 
are exactly the tiling. But I must get on something. (Exit.) 

ENTER JOSIAH AND BUCK. 

JosiAii. — Young man, did you not sa}^ she is at home? 

Buck — Yes, sir; you see it's a sort of a mistake. I went and 
thought she had gone out to the circus, no I mean to break it to 
you gradually, and the cook was to kill a chicken with a striped 
tail, no I 

JosiAH — Young man, is tliis one of those conventional prevari- 
cations with which the worldly are want to delude tlie confiding 



visitor. If so, I purpose to shake the dust from my feet and depart. 
Buck. — Should'nt ])e surprised if it was one of them prevary — ■ 
what's it's mimes, l^ut here she is, sir. 

ENTER MRS. PORTER. 

JosiAH. — Good afternoon. Sister Porter. 

Mrs. p. — Oh, Brother Josiah, how could that stupid Simmons 
nudce sucli a mistake and 

Buck.— A mistake a • 

JosiAH. — Silence. Sister Porter, I am moved to make tliis pastoral 
visit hecause of the sudden demoralization, and as it were letting- 
down in this connnunit}', caused hy the recent visitation of that 
strolling- ahomination, the tented scourge, called the circus that 
goes ahout like a monster seeking whom it may devour. 

Buck. — And they say sir, it have got loose. 

Mrs. p. and Josiiia.— What? 

Buck — The monster, the queen of the animals. Here's the notice. 

JosiAH. — (Reads.) " Five hundred dollars reward. The above 
reward will be paid for tlie recovery of Cleopertra, the queen of the 
Zoo, recently escaped from the greatest managers on earth at 
Aurora. J'. T. Barnum." A device and a mere abomination. 

Buck.— (Heads.) " The Queen of the Nile." 

Mrs. p. — Sinmious, do you know wliere you are? 

JosiAii. — Young man, are vou contaminated Ijy this satanic con- 
trivance of varied iniquities? 

Buck. — Well, you had ought to have seen me ride the kicking 
mule. But, sir; me and Bob allowed that we'd get up a show of 
our own for the Fourth of July, do^vn at our stal)le, live cents to 
come in. 

Mrs. p. — Goodness me, \v\\y did'nt yen tell me this before Sim- 
mons? 

Buck, — Well, ma'am, I had'nt ought to now, Init it popped out 
like one of them whats' its' names through a hoop. 

Mrs. p. — Go and attend to 3'Our work. 

Buck. — Yes, ma'am; (aside,) wonder what the old lady would 
say if she knew I was the hind legs of the Flephant. (Works 
iiowers. ) 

Jo^iAii. — I observed with [>;iin, Sister Porter, that your three 
wards were not at Sal)bath School as usual. 



Mrs. p. — Oh, Mr. Paul, von are our prop and our Ptay. Dinner 
will be ready directly. Fried cliieke'ii in batter, peaches, apple 
fritters, a few little delicacies that will l)e a comfort to 3'ou. What 
will become of us? IPs all the vile circus, tlie naile and the Icick- 
ing Elephant. 

JosiAH. — (Abstrctedly.) Fried in batter Sister Porter? A feY\' 
creature comforts and table mercies ma}' lift us up before the sore 
trials that beset us. May Heaven raise up those wdio fall. (Sim- 
mons who has been attitudinizing, falls with a crash. Carriage 
whip without.) 

Mrs. p. — Run Sinmions, there's a carriage, and don't say I'm not 
at home. 

Buck. — Xo ma'am! 

Mrs. p.— Do you understand? 

Buck.— Yes, ma'am; (Puns against Racket, who enters.) 

Hacket.— Ya-hoo! 

Buck.— Ya-hoo, who? 

Mrs. p.— Cousin John, just from Xew York! 

Hacket. ---How are you old girl? Parson, have'nt seen, you for 
years. Hot day, crowded train. VVhor's that boy? 

Mrs. p.— At school! 

Hacket. — Trot him out. Take him ])ack with me and send him 
to boarding school. Boy, tell that carriage to come back for 5 P. 
M., train, and you hang this hammot-k here; I just lie in it for a 
while after dinner and smoke. Jolly thing, da}' in country. 

Mrs. p. — You don't mean to take B0I) away? 

Hacket. — Don't I? Been running ^vild long enough. 

Josiau - Wild indci'd. 

Mrs. p. -I'oor l)ob, surli a darling, aii<l the \s'i)rst 1)0\' in s^liool. 

Hacket. — So I've heard. 

JosiAH. — Sister l-'orter, do not op[>oso the v\'ise purj-ose oi' the 
youth's guardian, Doulitless some — but is dinner ready? A jour- 
ney makes one a tliirst and hungry. 

enter CARRIE. 

Carrie. —Aunty, dinner is ready. (31i, Mr. Paul, Avhat a blessed 
thing to see you. Oh Cousin Jolm, is it you; you don't kno\v 
what a nuisance Bol) is. 

Hacket. — That's nothing, a l)ad lioy makes a inan of spirit. 



JosiAH.— Wortliy sir, a profane Beiitiment whicli moves me to 

(Dinner bell within,) dinner. 

ENTER KLINGLE AT BACK, 

Cahkie.— Oh! 

All.— AVhat's tlie matter? 

Carrie. —A man. 

Klingle.— (CominiJ: i'orward.) (lood afternoon all! I'm just 
prospecting this metropolis for a pet of mine that's lost. 

All.— A pet! 

IvLiNGLE.— I said a ju't, and I am offering five lumdred dollars 
for her. Is there an}' innocent villager wonld like to make his pile 
on that lay? (Tacking np 1)111.) If he dt)n't get masticated catch- 
ing her he's all right 

JosiAH---Are }(Mi the manager of that exhibition? 

I\LiNGLE.— X'), I'm not, but I'm boss of the animals and keeper 
of the Queen fi' the Xile. Mykeard, Ilerr Ivlingle, the world re- 
no^vned. And wlmt might 3'our name he? 

Josi^H. — (Loftily.) An luimlile servant of the Lord and shep- 
herd of a flock, Josiah J 'aul. 

Klingle.—( Slapping him im back. ) How are yon Jo ? Parduer 
what's the difference between our business ? Botli of 'em are shows, 
circus or pulpit, sawdust or gosjiel mill, pew rent, subscription or 
gate money. Tlie money come.s a little different, but it's gate- 
money, all the same. 

Mrs. p.— The horrid wretch. 

Carrie. — The awful man ! 

Hacket.— Ask liim to dinner. 

Buck. — Gehosaphat, it's the Lion tamer. 

Josiah. — Irreverent rybald. 

Klingle. — llybald, I am. 

Josiah. — I Avould rebuke your profanity in nanung the cliurch in 
connection with that peripetetic iniquit}^, but 

Klingle.— -AVil I you give mc that again, Jo? 

Josiah.— Peripetetic iniquity. 

Klingle.— Xow don't go off (in your ear. 

Josiah.— Silence, reviler. I will -but dinner is ready. 

Mrs. p. — And the chickens fried in batter. (Dinner l)ell.) 

M.— Oh, Bob, yon are going to catch it. 



6 

Klingle.— Ring up old girl, and I'll just continue my promenade 
around this metropolis, and mayl)e I'll come back and Imz Jo some 
more. Ta, ta! 

Hacket.— Ha, lia! 

Buck. — Geliosaphat! 

Carrie and Mrs. P. — The horrid wretch! 

EXEUNT EXCEPT KLINGLE AND BUCK. 

Buck. — Mister, I'd just like to ask you, can you get me a place in 
the circus, to drive the lion's cage or water the monkies, or i)ut the 
tent i^egs in the ground. 

Klingle. — (Lighting cigar.) What do you take for it? 

Buck.— I would'nt take a dollar for it. 

Klingle. — Innocent villager devoid of guile. I'll do it. (Exit 
— Buck starts ofi" the other side imitating the swagger.) 

enter MADGE AND TENNICE. 

M. — Run, Teencie, and see if Bob is coming from school. 

T. — Xo, Madge, because he's kept in. Why don't they keep you 
in? Do they only keep in boys? 

M. — They keep in bad boys, l)ut they don't keep the girls in 
because we are smart enough to play good. 

T. — Is playing good a nice game? 

]VI. — Just. But Teencie, I know something. You wont tell, so 
help you, strike you down dead. 

T. — So help me, strike me down dead and cross my heart. 

M. — Bob's Aunty's Cousin, Mr. Ilacket, is going to take Bob 
away to school, boarding school, where they'll keep him all the 
time. 

T.-— Gracious! 

M.— If you tell Bol) he'll run away and be a scout in a dime 
novel. 

T.— I think its just too lovely. 

M.— What? 

T.— A story book with a scout in it. He's coming! I hear him 
whistling for Tip. Here Tip. 

ENTER BOB, C. 

Bob.— Madge, old Croppy kept me in, l)ut I slid out of the win- 
dow because I had bet my rooster could whip Tom Simpson's doini- 
nicker, and he did, and then I licked Tom. 



Bob..— A fellow must have fun. Wait til I o:et dinner and we'll 
play circus. The Lion tamer taught me the old clown's song. 
M.— Gracious! 

ENTER SIMMONS. 

Bob.— What's that in the hasket Buck? 

Buck. — The surprise for the preaclier that the sewing society 
made. 

Bob.— A dressing-gown. Tlie very thing for me to wear as ring- 
master. 

Buck. — Bob, you had'nt ought to! 

M.— Oh, Boh, you'd better not. 

Bob.— -(Puts rooster in hasket.) Here's a sure enough surprise 
for him. Xow give him the l)asket. 

Buck.— I dares'nt do it! 

M.-~ne's in there eating dinner and Mr. Ilacket with him. 

Bob.— No! 

M. — Yes. 

Bob.— Bully, I've wanted to put up a job on old Josiah, and now 
I can do it. You just get me Cis's Sunday frock and bonnet and 
don't forget the back hair and powder bag, and the red saucer that 
you make maiden's cheeks with, and the striped stockings. 

M. — Oh, Bob you are not going to 

Bob. — A'in't I though? Here's the bill, Madge, you are the 
world renownd equestrienne. 

T.— And what am I Bob? 

Bob.— You are the infant phenomenon to ride the elephant. 

T.— It's just too lovely? 

Bob. — And Buck, you are the clown. 

Buck.— And the hind legs of the elephant. 

M. — What's that otlier paper? 

Bob. — -My composition on the Prodigal Son that old Croppy 
made me write. 

M.— (Reads.) The Prodigal Son was a boy. He skipped and 
went to town and 

Bob.— Gings, Madge, he must have had a good time and if I 
hadn't made up my mind to be a scout, I'd go for a Prodigal. 

T.— It's lovely. 

Buck. — I'd like joining the circus better. 



Bob.— -Here's that song. The cliorus goes this way. (Whistles.) 

Song. — Have you seen the greatest show on earth, 
And heard the lions roar, 
And beheld the Giraffe squawk in his mirth 
As he kicks up behind and before. 
If you haven't, then think of your lonely blonde. 
As she sadly takes off her back hair 
And sighs for her nice young man so fond — 
Saying, how I wish we were there. 

Chorus. — For to see the horses prance, 

xlnd the Russian bear from France, 
Or the elephant dance Highland fling ; 
Or the clown in the striped pants, 
When lie makes the inonkies dance 
Or rides the little mule around the ring. 

For the trumpets, bang-jang; 
And the cymbals, wang-wang ! 
Is the music of all others for me ; 
Then put on your bang, 
Sweet maid come alang, 
A front seat is waiting for thee. 

Teencie. — It's just too lovely. 

M.— Buck, what's the matter? (Buck is standing a-gape.) 

Buck.— The Lion tamer. 

ENTER IIERR KLINGLE, 

K. — Why, sonny, is this your shehang ? How are you Cissy? 
(Shake hands.) 

Bob. — Yes, Professor, this is where I live. 

K— Sister ? 

Bob. — No, not exactly ; she stays here and goes to school. 

K.— A mash? 

Bob. — A what ? 

K. — A spoon ? 

Bob. — W^ell, yes. 

K.— And the kid ? 

M. — We don't keep any goats, sir. 

K.— Fresh. 

Bob. — Rather. (Aside.) I wish I had my French dictionary! 

Buck.— Gehosapliat ! 

Teencie.— Are you it ? 

K. — Give me that again, my little midget. 

Teencie. — Are you the circus ? 

K. — Thehoss. B()l>l)io, niyhoantv, did you kiio>v I'd lost my pet, 
the Quccii of the Xilc? 



9 

Bob. -The lioness? 

K, — Yes, and if she gives one howl in this sequestered nook she'll 
raise the neiglihorhood. She'll just chaw up the village ! 

All,— Gracious ! 

Bob. — Professor, suppose I should want to join ? 

K.— You'd make a real daisy in the profession. 

Bob. — I may have to call on }ou. A fellow runs away to join a 
circus, don't he ? 

K. — He jumps the paternal roof and skips. He lights out for 
fame, and some tine day returns to his native town with a full- 
length portrait on the hills. 

Bob.— Bully. I 

K.— It'll he a he racket on the family. But I'm off. Au revoy, 
Bol)hy, ta-ta Cissy. 

Bob.— You ain't going ? 

K. — I'll come back to sit down on Jo again. Here I go. (Exit.) 

ENTER JOSIAH, MRS. P., HACKETT AND CAREIE. 

Hacket, — How de do, Bob? Like to go to l)oarding school ? 

Mrs. p. — My blessed boy, how would you 

Bob.— How are you, cousin Jolm ? Aunty, you must wait till a 
fellow tries it on. I'm all right, 

Carrie. — Dear Mr. Paul, say something to him. 

JosiAH. — Young people apprahch, (puts hands on their heads,) 
you will observe my friends, that the mind and character of the 
female, Ijetween the period of childhood and adolescenence, are more 
preciocions than in the male, or in other words, a girl is smarter 
than a I)oy. 

Bob and Madge. — Yes, sir, 

JosiAii.— Margaret, what does the good book say about 

Bob. — I know! 

M. — It says that he was shipwrecked all by himself on the island 
and made a house out of logs and clothes out of the bark of a goat 
and skin of a tree. 

Bob. — That ain't it. It's skin of a goat and bark of a tree, and — 

M. — And Frida}^ saw the Cannibals and 

JosiAH.-— Goat, bark, Cannibals, who? 

Bob. — Robinson Crusoe. 

JosiAH.-— My children, I asked you about the good book. 



10 

Bob. — Just, and that's it. Cis says you gave it to her to give to 
me not to tell how you kissed lier at the pionie, down by the ice 
pond. (Carrie screams and faints in Hacket's arms.) 

Mrs. p. — Oh, chiklren, I'm ashamed of you. Come liere and get 
your dinner in the kitchen. (Takes them otf. ) 

Carrie.— (Recovering. ) W'licic inu I? 

Hacket. — Here you are Carrie. I'arson, tliat's hrihery and cor- 
ruption. (Re-enter Mrs. P.) 

Mrs. p. — Oh, Brother Josiali, what can you think of tliose imps, 
you sucli an angel. They are crazed about the circus and the ani- 
mals. 

Hacket. — Especially the cat which they've let out of tiie bag. 

JosiAH-— They know not what they do. 

Mrs. p. — Here is a little surprise, pre|iared for you by the ladies' 
sewing society. A present. Simmons, that basket. 

JosiAH. — (Taking basket.) A present? 

Hacket. — (Aside,) A fat turkey. What geese! 

JosiAH. — My friends, this token will remind me of the pious care 
and dutiful devotion I owe that flock from which it comes. ( Opens 
basket and sees rooster.) Sister Porter, is this a joke? 

Buck. — No, it's a rooster. (Takes it.) 

Mrs. p. — Oh. oh, Mr. Paul, wliere's the beautiful dressing-gown? 
Come in the house and And it. 

Hacket. — Ha, ha, (lighting cigar,) I'll smoke in my hammock. 

Carrie. — Oh, Mr. Paul, how dreadful, but come in the parlor and 
wait till I get my Ijoimet and we will walk. (Exeunt.) 

Buck.— (Alone.) I wonder what I'll do about tluit gown. I 
know, I'll lie about it. Funny I did'nt think of that at first. The 
old lady told me to say she Avasn't at home when she was, and it's 
her fault if I've gone and learnt how. I'll got Bob's aunt's cousin's 
horse Idanket and that'll help to fix our show with Miss Carrie's 
piano cover. (Enter Josiah.) 

JosiAH. — Simmons, did Miss Carrie come out of the front door? 

Buck. — No, sir; she went in the backdoor. 

JosiAH. — She was looking for her bonnet. 

Buck. — (Aside.) Gehosaphat, Bob's got that hat, and frock and 
back hair. 

ENTER BOB IN CARRIE'S CLOTHES. 



11 

JosiAii.— Ah, Miss Carrie. [Buck l>ack.s over the hummock.] 

Hacket.— What the devil's this? 

Buck.— -It's only me. 

IIacket.— Confound you; help me to tie it up to the other trees 
yonder, where I'll he out of tlie way. 

JosiAH.— Carlessness is hut little better than blindness, and blind- 
ness is the curse of those who will not see. [I>U(.'k and ILu-kct go 
off with liamnuK'k.] 

JosiAH.-— Caroline, we will now walk, in fact, stroll. 

Bob.— No dear Mr. J'aul, we'll sit here. 

JosiAH.— Are we alone? 

Bob.— If alone 3'ou can call it with me. 

JosiAH.— I have a question to ask. 

Bob.— Pop it. 

JosiAH.-— It is a secret. 

Bob.— I'll help to keep it. [Sit on bench.] ■ 

JosiAH.— It is now more than three years since as pastor of this 
Hock, I learned the sacred feeling of the dutiful shepherd, but never 
did I experience life's choicest blessing till you. promised to be nunc. 

Bob.— Down by the ice pond at the pic-nic. 

JosiAH.— An ice pond becomes holy ground. 

Bob.— Water. 
JosiAii.— And a pic-nic, a sacred festival, where the scene of love; 
I gave you then 

Bob.— Two saucers of ice cream and a glass of cider. 

JosiAH.— The pledge of undying love, as did Isaac to Rebecca. 

Bob. — How are you Isaac? 

JosiAH. — For Carolina, you are even like the maiden that await- 
eth the coming of the bridegroom in her wedding garments and 

Bob.— A dressing-gow n. 

JosiAH. — But l)eh()l(l in the very nndst of love's harvest I saw a 
tare 

Bob. — Did you get on it? 

JosiAH.— There is an obstacle to our happiness that I will put 
out of the way. 

Bob.— Who? 

JosiAH. — Your brother Bob. 

Bob. — Oh! [Faints in arms.] 



12 

JosiAii. — Calm jourf>elf my beloved and listen. 

Bob. — I'm all ears as tlie donkey said— no I'm all attention, 

JosiAH.— Your nncle left this estate when he died. 

Bob.— [Affected.] Poor uncle, because he could'nt take it away. 

JosiAH.— He had been a fast man, a prodigal. 

Bob.— Did he run away with the circus? 

JosiAH.— Like all of his family, he was a spendthrift. 

Bob.— lie had a good time? 

JosiAH,— Until an accident deprived him of the use of Itotli legs. 
lie reformed, forsook his sins, repented his errors, and made his 
will, wisely, providing that no man except of the most perfect 
moral habits should get his property. 

Bob-— How? 

JosiAH,-— There was but one way and that was to secure a 
preacher as a son-in-law. 

Bob.— The old goose — I mean you duck of a man. 

JosiAH.— The will provides that on your twenty-first birth day, 
if you marry a minister, the estate is yours. 

Bob.— That's to-day. I see it all. The sudden arrival of the 
guardian. 

JosiAH.— Otherwise the estate i^'oes to Bob. 

Buck.— -Bully— I mean, no, yes-— but what will we do? [Jumping 
up.] 

JosiAH. — My beloved maid, marry me; Bob's aunt conspires to 
keep the fortune for the male branch. Marry or we are lost. 

Bob, — Bun away! I'll do it, 

JosiAH. — Much easier. The law provides that two parties of age 
can contract without witnesses; now, if you but sign this paper, 
we are as well married as if the ceremoney had been regularly per- 
formed. 

Bob. — [Looking at paper.] This is a marriage certificate, is it? 
I'll do it! 

JosiAH.— Behold one of those matchless imentions, a pen with the 
ink in the handle. 

Bob, — [Suddenly signing.] Tis done. Leave me. 

JosiAH.— -[(3pening arms,] My beloved wife! 

Bob,— [Wildly,] Ha, what do I hear. Listen my beloved, I 
never can be yours. There is a yawning gulf which gaps between 



13 

us. I ily from a late worse than death, for tlie red lianded avenger 
of Pike'8 ]'eak has sworn to have Deadwood Dick's lieart's hh>od, 
ere Colaniity Kate shall wed another. Farewell! 

JosiAH.— But, Caroline, Avhat's the matter? 

Bob.— Farewell, a lono- Uist farewell ! 

Buck.— [At l);u'k.J If yon please ma'ni, old man Thompkin's 
calf fell down the well and his oldest gal's aunt Sally set the kitchen 
on lire. Fire! 

Bub.— Fire! Fire! [Exit, rimninii: over Buck, all the characters 
run across the stage and out at back. The three Imps enter with 
Buck.] 

Boii.— Well done Buck! Bun M:.ulge, run Teencie; the old folks 
are out of tlie way and now we'll play circus. Run to the stahle 
and get the things. Hurrah! [Taking whip from the porch and 
cracking it at Buck who gallo])s around — brings out liohh horse, 
hoops and hanners.] 

Boi;.— Ladies and gentlemen, tlie world renowned equestrienne 
in her unsurpassed bare hacked act, as performed befoi'e astonished 
multitudes and the cntwned heads of Furopo, besides an unriv- 
alled trium[)h in Mauch Chuidv and Philadelphia; concluding with the 
roaring after-piece, entitled: The Corn Doctor's Daughter, or Love 
on tlie Light Fantastic Toe. Where's that almanac to get the 

jokes out of? Xow, sir; why is a fashionable ndlliner like a l)rass 
founder ? 

Buck. How do I know? 

Bob.— [Cracking whip.] (^uite correct. Ladies and gentlemen, 
the world renowned equestrienne will now appear in her unpar- 
alleled l»are l>ack act as performed Ijcfore the crowned heads of 
Europe, on the untamed Arab steed from the wilds of Cireassia, 
the home of the Cossack, in which she will perform the unrivalled 
feat of leaping through the l>alloon at full speed, and alighting on 
the animal's hack just as if notliing had happened, with a serene 
smile of triumph at the spell hound multitude, standing on tiptoe 
upon tlie animal's back; music l)y the band. [Pulls hobby horse 

across the stage by rope, and Buck standing on keg passes lioop 
over Madge.] 

Bob. — Ilerr Pcu'ter, in his famous Elephant trick act illustrating 
the docility of the monster hy putting his head in his mouth and 
other startling performances, including the child wonder or the infant 



14 

plienomenon. Run and get the elephant. Where's the parson's 
dressing-gown ? 

Buck.— I hid it in ohl Prince's stall down at the sta1)le. [Exeunt, 
running,] 

ENTER THE OTHEES. 

IIacket. — This must be a hoax; no tire, no calf down the well. 

Mrs. P, — And old man Thoni[»kins says nothing has ha[)pened. 

Racket. — I see it all. 

All. — Where ? 

Racket. — Get Bob's traps ready. Take him right ott' before he 
can run away. 

Mrs. p. — Poor Bob. [Exeunt, except Carrie and Josiah.] 

JosiAH. — Caroline, this is a wicked contrivance of Bol). Rave 
you recovered from that attack of Deadwood Dick and the aven- 
ger of Peak's Pike. You were playful. Caroline, even as the kitten 
that disports itself. 

Carrie.— What's the matter, dear Mr. Paul '( 

Josiah-— The gaping gulf that yawns. I never can be yours. 

Carrie. — I never asked you; you asked me. 

JosiAH. — So I did, and blessed be the hour and the day thereof, 
yea, verily, the month and the year. 

Carrie. — Amen! 

JosiAH. — But why not give me that paper ? 

Carrie. — What paper? 

JosiAii. — The sacred contract of our somewliat surreptitious, but 
holy union. 

Carrie. — Somewhat surreptitious, but [The elephant enters 

and she runs off L.] 

Josiah. — Stay sweet partner of ni}- bosom, why liee from the first 
approach of love? She's gone. The humors of the female rose 
even above Solomon, wh(j knew much in that line. I will stroll 
forth and concoct a scheuie whereby Sinmions, the guildess hired 
man may be made an instrument in the hands of [irovidence for 
the capture of the escaped monster, and the obtaining of the re- 
ward to buy our organ therewith. (Sees elephant and runs, carry- 
ryiuiJ' bench on his back. Racket and Mrs. P. on porch see ele- 
phant and run.) 

Bob. — (On opposite side of elephant.) Ladise and gentlemen, the 



\ 15 

famous act, ])y which Sultv'^, the crown elephant of Siam, rescued 
the infant heir to the throne from the murderous conspiracy of the 
traitorous minister and Carrying the roval infant from the scene, 
safely restored it to the l^i'nis of the royal father thus: (Taking 
Teencie down and kissing i^ds hand.) The gratitude of the mon- 
arch may Ije hetter immsjigined than descrihed, for which reason 
that and other imr)ortantliicidents of the heart-rendering scene are 

■fr' . 

judiciously ondtted. Appropriate music to represent the triumph 
of the animal and raptu/e of the parent. (Puts his head in ele- 
phants moutli, &c. Enter^t hack, Josiah and the rest armed with 
pitch forks. They attack the elephant, which after short resistance 
falls over on its hack. Boh, Teencie and Madge run off.) 

JosiAii. — Five hundred <lollars reward. No, it is a dehision and 
a snare. 

Hacket.— This is the circus is it? 

Mks. p. — And this is why we were hoaxed. Where are the imps? 

IIacket. — Yonder's one! (They haul the three imps in.) 

Josiah.— My dressing-gown ! 

Carrie. — My pink sash! 

Josiah. — This is the last straw that l)reaks the camel's hack. 

Bob. Xo, sir; it's an elephant. 

Mrs. p. — Oh Bol), how could you do it ? 

Bob. — Why aunty, with the horse blankets and piano cover. 

Hacket. — Bring out his traps. Come Bol), off we go to school. 

ENRER KLINGLE. 

K. — Good people is this my animal recovered? 

All. — There it is. 

K.-— Ah, Bol)1)y this is your racket. 

Bob. — Ilerr, if you are a friend of nnne, now's jonr time. I'm 
ready to, what do you call it, jump the town. 

K.— All right my daisy, make a show of caving and then skip 
I'm with you. 

ENTER BUCK AS CLOWN. 

All.— AVhat's this? 

Buck. — (A'agulj'.) I'm the clown. 

Hacket. — We'll clown you. (lie and K. take him by the ears.) 

Hacket. — Come, youngster, sa}' good bye, tin.e's up. 

Bob. -(Taking off gown.) I'm all right. Good hye aunty, 



1^ 014 211 923 7 # 

good bye Cis^ your back hair is down in old J'rince's trough at the 
stable. 

Carrie and Mrs. P. — Oh, Bob! 

All. — (In chorous.) Oh, Bob! 

Klingle.— Now, old lady do the briney and let the gushing 
young lady tear her back hair a little ^l sign of grief, while the 
parson does the pious admonition. Bc,!)l,y, put in a little fare- 
well. 

"Til sail the sea, the world aroui d I'll roam, 

" But still to thee, I turn, my hou'ie, sweet home." ' 

Carrie and Mrs. P. — Bob, 1)e a good boy. 

Bob. — Madge, don't let any other fellow make love to you or I'll 
come back and lick him, sure. 

M.— Oh Bob, don't go for a Prodigal, but be a scout or join the 
circus. 

Bob— I will Madge, so help me, strike me down dead. 

Teencie — Good bye, Bob. 

Bob.— Teencie, tell Tip good bye, too, there will be nobody now 
to run cats with him, and he'll miss me. (Symphony.) 

Tableaux.— Bob and Madge, C; Ilacket and Mrs. P., pulling 
them apart ; Carrie and Klingle, L. ; Buck, K. 

CURTAIN. 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



014 211 923 7 



